This is an interesting question to get particularly when I explicitly say that that the magic words don’t exist and it’s not the kind of thing I teach anyway!!
But I had an insistent client recently who REALLY REALLY had to know. So this is what I said to him:
The magic is in understanding “context”. It’s one of those words that are so ordinary and every day, so normal that we think we know what we’re doing. But that’s also one of the biggest enemies to learning new things, that we think we already know the answer, it’s what keeps many people stuck and not progressing to get the results that they want.
When you are with a woman context is about the fact that you are with each other. So it’s about how you see things together which is built from shared intimacy. You build that intimacy architecturally. It’s something you can intentionally do. And in many ways the more you think of it like physical construction the more easily you’ll find the words to say.
So you need to be interested in how she thinks about things. Specifically, you need to find her perspective interesting and valuable yet at the same time be ok with completely disagreeing with her and telling her she is wrong. And how you do all of this is PLAYFULLY.
This is not cocky and funny that David DeAngelo teaches. You must always be completely authentic as you because what that says is you are a person of value. You are not DHV’ing trying to demonstrate Higher Value that the pickup artists teach, you would only do that if you are insecure and didn’t have authentic value (and even if you don’t you can learn to develop it).
At the same time, you need to be very ok with being wrong – a lot of guys have problems with this because of their own insecurity. They don’t want to be seen in any kind of negative light by their friends or women so can’t sustain things when essentially the conversation goes out of control for them.
The trick though is understanding that you are NOT controlling the conversation. Again to use a physical metaphor, it’s like tennis, you’re trying to hit the ball back, really trying with everything you have. BUT because it is a friendly game you are a good loser. Some guys hate this word. They’re not prepared to lose the battle to win the war. They have no sense of strategy or playing a bigger game. When you can lose AND SHOW THAT YOU ARE OK really you haven’t lost in the bigger sense of the game because you are demonstrating the quality of the person that you are.
AND THE MORE YOU CAN DEMONSTRATE WHO YOU REALLY ARE THE MORE INTIMACY YOU BUILD.
When you combine this with the ability to be provocative without being sarcastic. Most guys get these confused but I’ll explain that more in depth elsewhere, the essence is being able to hold your position no matter what is happening while also being able to equally accept her and the position she is holding without any animosity and being genuinely ok with you just being you and her just being her.
So the words come from the context that you are in with each other. And being able to push her provocatively. I think of this as having “explicit communication”, you are saying exactly what you think and are unapologetic for anything that is politically incorrect or offensive BUT it is completely within the context the two of you share with what you are doing and the environment you are in and the intimacy you are building.
This is why I think it is so foolish to just focus on the words because you can’t know what the right words are unless you are paying attention to the context you are in.
How I teach this is I get my clients to track for the shared somatic feeling that is built as intimacy starts to develop because this is the guide path to follow. When you are tracking for this you choose the words to say that fit for the feeling, so you know what to say as the words “feel right” and are generated by starting from the feeling state. You are literally using your brain differently here not the way you usually think, but that’s a topic for another post.