What is a long term relationship?

I posted this to the MythoSelf Yahoo group, in response to an email from Georgios, I though you might enjoy it as well. We should define what we mean by ‘long term relationships’ as I’d suggest if someone is ‘regularly’ having them we have different ideas of what ‘long term’ means :-)

There seems to be an increasing trend in western culture for short term commitment. Marriage seems to be a short term commitment!! As soon as any difficulties arise people eject from the situation rather than use the situation to help them grow. This probably sounds an ‘old fashioned’ point of view. If you think this let me ask you why you think this?

I have had two friends who in the last few years who have had arranged marriages. They weren’t particularly religious, or fundamentalist. They are ordinary western guys, who’d had short term relationships before. And yet it was sufficiently important to them with this type of commitment (marriage) to include in their thinking not just themselves and their partner but also their families as well.

By contrast most people can’t get beyond just thinking of themselves and what they are going to get out of the relationship. This isn’t necessarily their fault, it’s what the media sells you. We’re being bombarded with ideas of how perfect things should be, and if they’re not you go and trade them in for a newer model. When was the last time you saw a movie or TV programme that portrayed a successful long term relationship? (I’d really love some examples if anyone has them, but I bet you’ll have to search REALLY hard if you can find any).

I think most people don’t think when it comes to relationships. They settle for someone they somehow fall into a relationship with… Ah but where’s the romance, the ‘falling in love’ the magic? Answer: In Hollywood.

I know three women who’ve started relationships via email, and in that medium without the ‘distraction’ of the face to face found something deeper, that they could then build upon when they met face to face. I think it’s interesting that many people dismiss this quality of communication and bemoan the idea they we’ve been apparently ‘reduced’ to being unable to interact face to face. And yet for most people all they have is the face to face, they have no substance below the shallowness of the mask they present.

Georgios, I absolutely agree with what you say about Mystery and Tyler Durden, that they’re not emotionally mature. I think this is true of the majority of people interested in PUA (pick-up arts). When I went to a Ross Jeffries seminar years ago (somehow I happened to go with Peta Heskell), this was before people had started copying Ross and he was the only one talking about using NLP to be successful with women. I’d heard many, many good things about Ross, from other NLP trainers and at that time was looking at finding areas where I could practice using the NLP skills I had (as an aside there are still very few people teaching NLP in an applied way, Jonathan Altfeld is the name that springs to mind as who I’d recommend (http://www.altfeld.com/mastery). Too many people go to an NLP practitioner or master practitioner and think that because they’ve got the certificate that that’s it. Mastery only comes through applying the skills and learning from the feedback.) So I was looking for a way to practice my NLP skills and women were volunteering themselves :-) My experience of Ross Jeffries was that behaviourally he was a 14 year old nerd who constantly talked about his allergy problems and what didn’t work. Despite that sounding negative I think Ross has made a truly massive contribution to getting men to use NLP to improve themselves and thereby get into relationships. If their were NLP awards for people who’ve made massive differences in people lives, Ross deserves an Oscar at least.

The single common factor with clients I have that I work with around relationship issues is emotional maturity (or the lack of it). It’s very obvious that behaviourally they are 12 or 14 year olds… Even though they are physically 20, 30, 40 or older. They would not remotely admit this about themselves. You could also say that they are still in dependance looking for someone to look after them and haven’t yet moved to independence.

This is also why I think there is a pick-up industry, as there is a majority of men who are running the behaviour: If I can pick up a woman and have sex with her we’ll have a relationship and live happy ever after… We’re back to the media indoctrination by the way…

I think pick-up is a performance art. Which is one of the reasons Mystery is so successful (he’s a professional close-up magician). And also why it doesn’t work for relationships as it is a performance, not the person being their real selves. I know why many men want to do this though, they don’t think of themselves as adequate, so do the performance to try to hide this. Which of course is never going to work long term. I tell clients: “If you are such a miserable specimen of the male species that you think no woman would be attracted to you what would have to be true of you so women were naturally attracted to you?” And just to remind you that one of the first things that I do using the technology of the MythoSelf process is enable clients to access a way of being for them where anything is possible… So the answer for them then, is: “I just need to be this way”. The really successful artist or performer by the way uses the performance to be an aesthetic expression of themselves, there is no duality.