The key is to become aware of the reality that you are running the Feeling Thinking Loop™ because that makes you conscious of what emotion you are currently experiencing. So how conscious are you now of what emotion you are experiencing?
It’s interesting how many clients I have that have difficulty identifying the emotions that they experience (other than extreme intense emotions). Clinically this is called alexithymia.
Why this is important is when you acknowledge the reality that the majority of communication is non-verbal (93%) you understand that non-verbal communication is the communication of emotion.
So the better you learn to distinguish and understand emotion the better communicator you are going to be.
Saying the same thing slightly differently - you are always communicating emotion, the question is how conscious are you of what emotion you are communicating?
They’ve known about this in persuasion and influence research for a long time. When you look at some of the most real world, where the rubber really meets the road scenarios like FBI and other police agencies who do undercover work, it’s literally a life or death skill.
The interesting research is from the people who have lived that life - undercover. Living as someone else where if they get caught they'd be killed.
What’s interesting is you can’t pretend to be someone else without it affecting you.
This is something that men who are interested in pick-up and seduction don’t get. I have a lot of clients who want to be in relationships and have tried pick-up and seduction courses and trainings that fundamentally are sold as miracle cures but don’t deliver in the real world.
They don’t deliver because you can’t pretend to be someone else without getting caught.
It’s the logical error of going if I can sleep with a woman or man I’ll be in a relationship with her/him.
Unless you are absolutely incredible as a lover this is extraordinarily unlikely. Particularly if you can’t do the emotional connection piece essential to a good relationship and of course lack of somatic and emotional awareness means you don’t have the physical awareness or capability to know what to do sexually.
Being a good or even a great lover requires the emotional connection - it’s all about how you make her or him feel, how you turn them on.
And performing sexually requires somatic awareness of yourself - unless you act like a reptile and just stick it in and ejaculate. And the somatic awareness - the ability to feel the person you are with and know what they want not just from what they say but from what their body wants.
The research from those that have been successful undercover operatives shows that those who were essentially themselves survived.
Whereas those who tried to be someone else - someone they didn’t want to be but thought they had to be to get the result they wanted, eventually became that someone else. They thought they could pretend without being influenced by that pretending.
One of the interesting films on deception, influence and persuasion is the Leonardo Dicaprio film Catch Me If You Can which is based on the true story about Frank Abagnale Jr., who, before his 19th birthday forged millions of dollars worth of checks as well as successfully pretended to be a Pan Am pilot, a doctor, and a legal prosecutor.
As well as being a great story of someone living a fantasy lifestyle for real, it shows how reality catches up. It shows how unhappy the main character eventually becomes.
It’s the question of are you building a foundation of sand if you are building any foundation at all in your life? Any ethical builder knows the stronger and deeper the foundation the higher you can go up.
And the more you invest in yourself the more value you have.
This is the fundamental currency of relationship - understanding that you have real value to the right person. And the more value you develop the more value you have to that right person.
The right person being someone who is equally unique and different as you are - not the same but different - this is one of the typical mistakes choosing someone who you think is like you or who you aspire to be rather than someone who is unique as themselves but is a perfect fit to your uniqueness.
The question is do you embrace and value your difference or try to hide it under a mask of “fashion” trying to fit in like everyone else?
Most people want to fit in and be normal - yet a recent survey by Gallup shows only 13% of people are emotionally invested in their work. So what is normal (the 87%) is being unhappy.
It’s where you are different, where you are not normal, that are your real strengths you need to grow and nurture. This is how you build your unique value.
It’s how you build attractiveness.
The more you invest in yourself and the more you develop your uniqueness the more attractive you are to the right person.
And the better you feel about your difference, that you see it as your strength, your beauty, the more you naturally communicate that positive good feeling.