Defining and Designing Yourself - The Story of You - The Art of Thinking Differently – Waking Up the Inner Coach Inside of You part 5

Your Inner Coach is the Future You that you have become that is fully realised in all dimensions. You are a multidimensional person yet we don’t think of ourselves this way.

Often we go I want to look great - that’s my dream. That’s the fantasy because if we looked absolutely gorgeous we’d be sexually desirable by other people.

And we have learnt to define ourselves more by what other people think that what we think. This is the natural process of how we grow up, we grow up dependent on our family to look after us, we are conditioned to be dependent at school, college, university. Then when we get our first job and we do what we are told otherwise we get fired from that job.

So we know we look great, we know we are sexually desirable when others tell us.

But this giving up of our power keeps us in bondage, a slave to other peoples desires.

When we learn to define ourselves and yes being sexually desirable is one of those dimensions we’re on the path to becoming who we want to be rather than what others want us to be.

So sexual desirability, looking good is one dimension, what are the others?

Well this is something I ask clients - What are you built from? What comprises you? What’s your Inner Architecture™? If being attractive is one dimension, what are the others for you?

And of course people come up with what is important to them, and sometimes it’s a struggle to think of more beyond the obvious visual - how I look. But it’s one of the most valuable things you can do because you are defining who you are. Most people put more attention on decorating their house, or rebuilding or even designing their new home from scratch than they do on designing themselves.

Here’s why this is so vitally important - If you don’t design yourself others will, and probably not in the way you want to be.

Do you feel unhappy in your life? Do you feel stuck and constrained? Do you hate or dislike your job? Are you miserable and unhappy in your life? Do you not have the relationship you really want to be in?

So how come some of these may be true for you?

What design decision did you make to get there?

Most people made little or no decisions at all and blame the other “designers” in their lives - their parents for the problems they now have.

Your Inner Coach is the architect, designer, director, writer - the creator of your story, your life story.

When you take control back you can start to build your own life.

This is why I’m insistent on not taking the role of “teacher” for the clients I work with - you need to be the authority figure in your own life, or learn to be. And I work as your advisor to help you.

So we’ve started talking about the visual dimension and this is a great place to expand upon because and this is very controversial for some people - you need to desire yourself.

You need to feel desire, love, sexual attraction for the future you that you are becoming.

I’ve spoken before about that you know you are connected to your future you by the flow of energy coming back from that connection to the future you. This is how you know you are on track, you feel the connection. You feel the flow of energy it powers you in the now.

And part of this energy is sexual energy. Desire, love, sexual attraction to that future you that you are becoming.

Some people are uncomfortable with this idea of desiring their future selves. And in particular most uncomfortable with sexually desiring their future selves. I’ve had clients say, it’s kind of gay, homosexual or lesbian and I’m not that way.

The confusion here is the discomfort with feeling attraction for someone of the same sex that some people have.

This distinction you need to make here is that it is not someone else it is you.

And one of the keys here is realising your capacity to love someone else is directly related to your capacity to love yourself.

If you don’t have the capacity to feel much love for yourself you have that same lack of capacity for others.

And it’s critical to understand here that most intimate relationships are dependent relationships because that’s the type of relationship we learn growing up. We learn to feel desirable, we learn to feel loveable because someone else desires and loves us.

I’ve had clients who were well known celebrity actors and actresses - desired by the people who watched them. So you’d think WOW I want to be just like them, I want to be desired by lots of people. And we live in a celebrity obsessed culture who largely feel this way. But it's not the real reality for those people who work as actors and actresses. Often they are extraordinarily good and being other people and where they need to do the work is on being as good as themselves.

We live in a culture obsessed by the visual image.

Smartphone manufactures now know that they have to build in more than one camera in your phone because you need to take pictures of yourself. You know you were happy at the event you went to because you took photos of yourself smiling and happy at that event. It doesn’t matter that you can’t remember much of what actually happened at the real event. The visual images you have are the reality that you have constructed for yourself. What you believe to be true. The story you are telling yourself.

And the more you have other people construct the visual images - the more you watch TV, the more games you play, the more magazines you look at, they more you are letting them define how you should look, the more you let them define what is attractive.

I find many clients have great difficulty constructing visual images for themselves because they’ve let this skill atrophy - the last time they drew anything was as a young child, the last time they intentionally made pictures in their head was as a child reading a story, or having stories read to them.

The default I find clients want to start from is using existing visual images to make a vision board or an online equivalent. But it’s the ability to do the construction in your head that you need to develop otherwise these are images of someone else, not images of who you could be becoming.

You create the Story of You by writing, designing, drawing, architecting, directing the creation of that story.

It’s the process of creating art.

The process of creating art is encoding your feeling in the art so when others experience that art they have those feelings.

What would you have to look like that causes desire in you? Yes sexual desire.

Who would you have to be that you love that person? What would you be doing?

Who is the Future You that viscerally arouses you in the most potent way that is almost beyond imagining?

Next time: Turning Yourself On – Becoming Alive to Possibility.