When you are lost in the 7% of thinking that you have to find the right words to say you tend to forget the importance of everything else you are saying with the other 93%. For many of the men I work with they don't realise that their communication is saying: "I'm not attractive and I'm not attracted to you." Or they are saying: "I'm low status and I have to chase after you because I have so little real value that no woman would be attracted to a man like me."
Yet they are buying great clothes, they pay good money to have their hair done right and some even use male beauty products but of course don't tell anyone they do. They put so much time and effort in trying to get the external to look right that they forget that is just the wrapping paper for what is inside, and if what is inside doesn't live up to the picture you've painted on the wrapping paper you are setting things up to fail.
Then there's going to the gym and wanting to develop the six pack, athletic physique, the alpha male look that "irresistibly" attracts. Except that it doesn't. It does get the second look from the girls who notice you are physically attractive but they know how they look when they have taken their makeup off, they know that while they could have some fun with you and flirt with you, what they actually want is someone who makes them feel the way they want to feel. The genetic markers were all physical back in the caveman days, but today the markers that you can successfully provide for a women are money, money, and money. The ability to kill the mammoth or wild boar and bring home the bacon is now how you can financially provide for her and your family. Though of course it's important to understand that this is just part of how attraction works. It's like the 7% words and the 93% non-verbal in communication. The same thing is true in so much of our lives we are consciously thinking one thing is true but there also so much other stuff going on.
I call this dimensionality. And the more dimensions you can think in the more real you can be.
This idea of dimensionality is explored in the fiction book Flatland a story by Edwin Abbot Abbot, and a concept that was rewritten in my preferred version by Rudy Rucker called Spaceland, but it’s also a very interesting idea.
For example we consider 3 dimensions to be more real looking as it adds the dimension of depth.
And the 4th dimension is time. This idea was played with quite nicely in the recent film by Christopher Nolan Interstellar.
But what if their were more dimensions, this is the question the Flatland book asks. And I’m not going to spoil the story for you so read either the original Flatland book which you can find for free by Googling it or buy Rudy Rucker’s version called Spaceland.
The most important idea to ever think - how you come across to other people.
Are you fully present and real or do you come across as a bit shallow, lacking in dimension or depth? At the other end of the scale with highly charismatic people it’s like they are so real they’re here in more than 3 dimensions because we feel their presence.
Another favourite book of mine is The Laws of Form by G. Spencer Brown, it’s one of the most difficult books to read as most people seem to think it is about maths. It was Bradford Keeney that made it make sense to me. G.Spencer Brown says when you make a distinction you create a new reality. I think of this in the Flatland sense of creating a new dimension.
Why this is useful is if you currently think of a thing in only one way, and I can help you make a distinction where you now see it in two ways you now have a possibility a dimension that didn’t exist before. And this could be the difference between not being able to do something and finding a way to make it work for you to get the result you want, the woman you want, the life you dream about.
For example in your life story you’ve had moments that were literally beyond description, where you made love to a beautiful woman and you were making love not just having sex. When you were out in nature mountain biking, or surfing, or skiing or snowboarding or even gaming for some ;-) The moments where we step out of the dimensions of language because it becomes impossible to contain the experience in language and finding the words somehow diminishes the reality of the experience.
But that doesn’t mean you can’t talk about it with someone who knows what they are doing. I call this the mythological dimension. It’s when your story becomes more that what is ordinarily possible.
The story most guys are telling themselves:
Most single guys are telling themselves the story that if they can just get a woman home and into bed that they’ll begin a relationship with her, and they'll get to have sex every night. They are just so wrong. If you are woman reading this you are probably laughing your ass off at our stupidity. When we don't get that what you want is the emotional connection, that critical dimension that makes you feel alive, that causes you to stop everything else that you are doing and thinking about and focus all of your attention on wanting to be with someone.
What we're doing is trying to think logically about the situation. We're stuck in flatland. And even if we've gotten you home and into bed and spent the night together. While we're busy carving a notch into the bed post, you're busy forgetting it ever happened and because you were drunk, or overstimulated or just needed to have sex, because it was just sex without that emotional dimension it doesn't mean anything to you, and you're busy deleting everything from your phone that's incriminating and then you'll have deleted everything in your head because without the emotional dimension we weren't real enough to matter.
But there could be a different story when you add in more dimensions. And this starts with you in your life. Yes you've got to get up off the couch off that comfy sofa where you've got your spot worn in just right and put the game controller down...
Some guys look at me as if I'm asking them to do just too much work here.
Because what I'm saying is you've got to build a life that to you is worth living. And you're probably going oh dear he's getting into his motivational speaker mode but I don't do that because the power comes from when you find your own motivation and in many ways that's sacred to you. It's when you go beyond what the words can contain to a you that isn't constrained and confined by the everyday limitations that you have.
And this isn't being motivated by some speaker, some guru, it's finding for you, what you want to do so much that it is beyond the ability of words to contain, you step into the mythological dimension which we'll inevitably talk more about.
Because that you, when you become that person with that story you are someone who is worth being with because you are real and feel so to other people. Some people call it charisma, but it's more that you have more dimensionality in your life, you are not flat and shallow and living in flatland like most of the zombies out there.