Attraction vs Seduction is the same as Dignity vs Fear – Design for Dignity not Fear part 3

no matter how brilliant the trick looks it is still a trick

I’ve worked with a lot of clients about their relationship issues and for 7 years I worked with the original Flirt Coach and best selling author Peta Heskell, described by John la Valle Richard Bandler’s co-trainer as: “The Wild Woman of NLP”.

This was back when it was just Peta doing attraction and Ross Jeffries doing seduction. And while there are a lot of people now doing seduction training there aren’t really any doing attraction training.

This is interesting for me as a therapist because it speaks to our cultural anxiety and depression where many people don’t feel they have the capacity, they literally don’t feel good enough to think they are attractive so can naturally attract someone to who they are and instead they feel they need to learn tricks to seduce someone.

If you really think this through you begin to see that it’s fear that promotes this not feeling good enough about yourself. It’s understandable if you’re anxious about the future of your work if you’re depressed about the state of the environment and there are so many things to be both anxious and depressed about that feeling good is difficult at best if not impossible in reality for many people.

How I think about depression, anxiety and lack of confidence is as the lack of belief in that future you have the power to create.

So by taking a self-leadership position by definition, you are attractive. You’re attractive because you have a belief in the future that you are making real and people feel this confidence in you.

This doesn’t mean you have to have already gotten to where you wanted to go to. By definition, leadership is knowing where you want to go and the belief that you can get there, then the ability to communicate that belief to the people you are leading.

So seduction is where you don’t have this belief in the future it’s where you go: “I’m not enough and I can’t get the results I want because of who I am.” So you need tricks or do you?

If you look at the technology that seduction and pickup artists use the creator of that industry Ross Jeffries who often describes himself as a “failed comedy writer” was actually such a good writer that he got a Hollywood comedy film made from one of his scripts. And if you’ve studied marketing or copywriting in particular, you may have seen Ross in early Dan Kennedy videos. Dan is one of the highest paid copywriters in the world and runs seminars on marketing and sales strategy.

So seduction and pickup came from this sales and marketing synthesis with comedy writing. Then you had students of Ross notably Erik von Markovik otherwise know as “Mystery” a professional close-up magician that took that skillset further.

You may have enjoyed magicians like Derren Brown on tv or at a live show but what I’ll suggest is more interesting is to study and read about not just how they do what they do but how they think about what they do.

Derren’s also a pretty good writer. I liked his book “Pure Effect” on the art of what he does. It reads like the writing of an alchemist.

Some performers like Derren are pure genius in their performance and the construction of that.

But the question I’m asking here is about do you want to be faking it? Because no matter how brilliant the trick looks it’s still a trick and that’s not the same as building something that is both viable and sustainable through time.

Because that’s about attraction, not seduction.

Attraction is about first building a future that attracts you first and that then you can communicate that future to others.

I often coach leaders who are trying to communicate their vision of their organisations future but they don’t have a visceral felt sense feel for that future themselves. This makes the job of leading unsustainable because you become a seducer you’re not attracting people to you, you’re trying to persuade and force them to your way of thinking.

Really this is all about a highly personal question you need to ask yourself, it’s about dignity and whether you choose to give it up for the results you think you can get.

Because if you choose to give it up you’re going: “If I compromise myself now I’ll get the result I want now.” And that question may be about that you see you can get this woman or this man to go home with you and have sex with you. Or it may be that you need to say certain things to the people you manage to get them to do the things you want which are different to what they want.

These are normal everyday decisions.

But they are decisions where you’re thinking about the result you want now and they don’t include the consequences or the results you want later.

Probably every person who has come to me saying their relationship has broken down after some conversation with me says that looking back they can see the critical compromise they made that led to the failure of their relationship now.

So if this is true why not design and build your relationships without that problem built in?

This probably sounds too cold and emotionless.

But I’m actually saying the opposite, I’m saying we are mostly out of control emotionally.

I’m saying that emotional intelligence doesn’t exist as how most people talk about it. That really it’s a rationalisation because it’s too scary to acknowledge how out of control we really are.

That if we’re honest with ourselves in the privacy of our phone reading this we’re really looking to seduce as many people as we can because we want that instant gratification whether that is sugar, sex or power.

The question is are we living like we’re in Game of Thrones looking to stab in the back whoever is in our way? Or have we evolved enough to go there are consequences to my actions and I actually want to design my actions so I get the consequences I want not the consequences I don’t want?

Because this is what I do with clients, it’s getting that you can have a future that nourishes and excites you. That feeds you in a more viable and sustainable way than the temporary high from sugar, causal sex or getting your way this time over other people.

You could instead be making love every night rather than searching for a new partner every night.

You could be eating delicious things that make you feel vibrant, alive and potent and are actively healthy for you.

You could be going for the “win-win” rather than the “win-lose” and getting that their success always helps your success when you don’t believe you live in a world of scarcity.

Go for the win-win and work with me on getting the results you want.